I had a doozy planned for my next post. It would’ve probably evolved into a series of sorts, full of observations from my time as an accountant in the coal mining industry, musings on the healthcare vacuum in our area, and my best attempts at squaring my feelings about the larger forces I see at work behind the scenes.

Then my brain exploded, and I’ve spent the past four days losing the trash can in my kitchen (that’s not some cutesy euphemism – I literally cannot remember where the garbage can sits).

I’m not sure which is more terrifying – waking up on the floor, surrounded by paramedics telling me I’ve had a seizure (which is how my last two “episodes” played out) or knowing that it was going to happen before it did. Both situations are equally terrifying in their own ways.

I think back to when Elroy was born as the first time I ever felt like my body had let me down. I did not handle that revelation well at all. His premature arrival kicked off two solid years of postpartum depression that left me on shaky ground with my then-employer and afraid to be alone with my own child.

And I feel the sadness creeping back in around the edges. I’m a control freak, so knowing that something can sneak up from nowhere, sock me in the hospital for three days, erase a ton of my recent memories (while not erasing any of the recently-recovered trauma memories – thanks for that, brain), take my driver’s license, and completely change my life makes me feel helpless on a level that I can’t do justice with words.

But this time, I also feel warmth and love from my community and my neighbors. I feel the fight that that I used to finally break through the thickness of  the sedatives that kept me out for 36 hours because all I wanted to do was talk to my boy. I feel a sense of commitment to my family and my students. I’m not afraid of the potential weight gain or rage that I might experience while my doctors and I try to figure out the meds that will work best for me. I’ve finally tamped my vanity down enough to embrace the C-PAP that will be taking up residence on my nightstand really soon.

Because the truth is, I will do and accept all that and more if it means I get to spend more time with Gomez and Elroy.

I met my own mortality this week. It really scared me. And it made me really thankful, too.